Just call me "Michael Bay"

Remakes.

Love 'em, hate 'em, they just keep on coming. We've seen great horror films like Psycho, Halloween, Dawn of the Dead, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and countless others remade, rethought, retreaded and rebuilt, and no matter what you or I say or do, the madness will continue.

So I say, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!!

Always looking to diversify here at Pax Romano Inc, I figured now was as good a time as any to try my hand at movie producing. With that in mind I bring you the following, from Pax Romano Inc. in association with Santanico Pandemonium Productions and Billy Loves Stu Studios:

*****

Coming May of 2009: Misery - Starring Liza Minnelli and Harvey Firestein.
Horror strikes Broadway author, Paul Sheldon (Firestein) when his golf cart tips over at a Catskills resort, and he is nursed back to health by crazed fan, and ex Broadway chanteuse, Annie Wilkes (Minnelli). At first Wilkes seems to be a caring individual whose only purpose is to nurse Sheldon back to health, but when she discovers that her patient is planning on adapting her favorite romance novel into a musical, (and not cast her in the lead) she goes ballistic; making Sheldon a virtual prisoner in her cabin as she forces him to rewrite the lead role for her!

*****

Coming June of 2009: The Bad Seed - Starring Tom Cruise and Suri Cruise.
Terror strikes a devoted Scientologist mother, Mrs. Pennmark (Tom Cruise), when she discovers that her beautiful little daughter, Rhoda (Suri Cruise), is actually a body-thetan filled homicidal maniac! You'll thrill over the battle of wills as Mrs. Pennmark tries to audit her daughter and cure her of her wicked behavior. Also stars Kirstie Alley as the nosey lady upstairs and John Travolta as L. Ron Hubbard.

*****

Coming July of 2009: Whatever Happened to Baby Joe? - Starring Harrison Ford and Richard Gere.
Insanity strikes at an old Hollywood mansion where the cross dressing Hudson brothers, Blaine (Ford) and Joe (Gere), live in relative obscurity. Years ago, Blaine Hudson was the biggest action star in Tinsel Town, of course the albatross around his neck was his kid brother, Baby Joe, who was a TV star in the 50's, but who, as he aged, lost his appeal. After a tragic accident that left Blaine a paraplegic, and virtual prisoner in his own home, he is cared for by his psychotic brother who is waiting for his big comeback.

We are looking for investors!!!!

"Keep Your Gift Wrapped": Lessons Learned from Teeth

* It's never a good idea to play "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours" with the little girl who lives near a nuclear power plant.

* Beware the seemingly sweet boy in your Teen Abstinence group.

* Ditto for the seemingly kind hearted nerd that you loose your virginity to.

* If your step brother is pierced and obnoxious, he's worthless.

* Your dog, no matter how faithful he's been to you, will probably eat your penis if it falls off of you and lands on the floor.

* Director, Mitchell Lichtenstein obviously watched John Waters' "Desperate Living", and took notes!

* Straight guys, never piss off the nice girl you're having sex with ... you'll live to regret this, trust me.

* Some gynecologists are kind of slimy.

* Vagina dentata is not to be fucked with!

Tagged

Arbogast has tagged me ...

The rules are as follows:

1) Pick up the nearest book.
2) Open to page 123.
3) Locate the fifth sentence.
4) Post the next three sentences on your blog and in so doing...
5) Tag five people, and acknowledge who tagged me.

Right then, so here goes:

1: Picking up book - Duma Key by Stephen King.
2: Opening up book to page 123.
3: Locating fifth sentence, ah there its...
4: Posting next three sentences on my blog:

"My daughter and I went exploring one day. It looked like outright jungle south of here."

Wireman looked alarmed.

Well, that was fun.

Oh, as for rule number five: feel free to play along, I won't appoint anyone.

The One (or Two or Possibly Three) I Might Have Saved

After another one of his brilliant posts (this one in particular) , movie blogger , Arbogast threw the following wish out into cyberspace:

I wouldn't be disappointed if you bloggers out there carried the "The one you might have saved" torch to your own sites and wrote about those horror movie victims whose plights especially touched you and whom you wish you could have carried to safety.

...and I am happy to play along!

From the first time I saw Brian DePalma's film adaptation of Stephen King's first novel, Carrie, there were two characters that I really wanted to spare...

First, there was the Prince Charming, Tommy Ross, (played by the impossibly handsome William Katt). Tommy was essentially a blameless soul, who only took Carrie White (Sissy Spacek) to the prom because he wanted to help his girlfriend, Sue Snell (Amy Irving) get over her guilt for having earlier taunted Carrie (along with the other girls) in the gym showers after Carrie had her first period and freaked out. Tommy not only does his girlfriend's bidding, he actually begins to like Carrie, and after the two of them waltz dizzily on the star spangled dance floor, he begins to fall for her...

...So when we watch him get beaned by the dull, heavy edge of the steel bucket that had been filled with pig's blood, we are shocked and horrified. Of course we also assume that he is left for dead once Carrie's lost it and starts raising telekinetic hell.

Would I have tried to save Tommy Ross? Damn straight! To hell with those falling lights, electrical wires, and fire hoses that have seemingly come to life, I would have hoisted him over my shoulder and tried to beat a hasty retreat from the Bates High Prom.

I am sure that the blow to his head would have given him amnesia, so once he came around, we'd be long gone and headed to a little shack somewhere in Malibu. I'd have made something up and convinced him that we were long time lovers ... and then we'd while away our days, him unaware of his traumatic brush with death, his ex girlfriend now a basket case would have problems of her own (what with all the bad dreams she'd been having, her mother would just "take her away" for a bit), so she would not come snooping around ... yeah, that's how it should have ended; me and Tommy getting away, him teaching me how to surf, me teaching him what Greek passive means...sigh, a guy can dream, can't he?

Of course the only problem here is that I would have also saved Miss Collins (Betty Buckley).

And why not? Clearly, Carrie's gym teacher was family. That is, she was a lesbian. What with her knee socks and butch attitude. Let's face facts, when she bitch- slapped that slut, Chris (Nancy Allen), you knew you were dealing with a true Sister of Sappho.

Of course, Miss Collins was one of the few adults, maybe the only adult, who treated Carrie with respect and care. She even suspects that Sue might be up to something when she discovers her plan to have Tommy ask her to prom ... unfortunately, Miss Collins' hunch is a bit off, as the real trouble makers are not the golden boy and his girl, they are the aforementioned Chris and her scum bag boyfriend, Billy Nolan (John Travolta). Still though, her heart is in the right place.

Therefore, when we see the basketball backboard come slamming down on her, crushing her mid section, once more we gasp in disbelief.

Yes, I would have tried to save Miss Collins.

Of course, she'd be the fly in the ointment for my plans for Tommy, but what the hell, maybe she'd play along, maybe we could have gone back in to the gym and saved Helen (Edie McClurg), I think Miss Collins and her would have made a great couple!

Yeah, and the four of us could have then set up shop somewhere in San Francisco.

I Love You Seth Brundle

I've always had a thing for smart, tall, mad scientists. I guess that's why I've always loved Seth Brundle.

As played by Jeff Goldblum in 1986's remake of The Fly, Brundle is a fast talking, enthusiastic, scientist working on a teleportation device. Unfortunately , when he finally tests the device on himself, a common house fly enters the chamber , and after the actual teleportation takes place, Brundle is on his way to becoming a pretty big bug.

At first, things are pretty good. Brundle has more energy, a big appetite, and an out of control libido (I guess flies like to fuck a lot), and director, David Cronenberg uses these parts of the story to show us plenty of shirtless Brundle as he gets into all kinds of shenanigans like doing athletic flips, arm wrestling guys and breaking their limbs, and picking up bimbos for nights of wild Brundlefly sex.

Of course things start getting bad for Seth. First his skin starts getting splotchy, and then he starts sprouting coarse body hair ... and of course there is that unfortunate new way of eating he's discovered (throwing up on the food, and then slurping it all up).

Fans of the film know what comes next, and The Fly delivers; this is one of those rare movies that not only succeeds as a horror/sci-fi piece, but also as something much deeper. It's about love and sickness and disfigurement and betrayal and paranoia.

I'd be remiss if I did not mention Geena Davis who delivers a fantastic performance as Goldblum's love interest,Veronica Quaife, this is one of Davis's best performances ... and of course, Davis and Goldblum eventually married, so the chemistry these two exhibit in The Fly is pretty genuine.

That said, I can never get enough of this movie. The Fly turned me into a major Jeff Goldblum fan ... that is, I became fascinated with this wacky, oddly sexy man. But more so, with his alter ego, Seth Brundle.

I guess I could stand by a guy who is morphing into a giant insect. As long as his life insurance premiums are paid up. And when things got really crazy, I would just spray him down with a can of Raid, mount him on a wall somewhere, and every day when I passed his monster corpse I'd say, "I love you Seth Brundle".

Run For Your Life!

This is one of the brilliant short films that will be on the DVD of George Romero's Diary of the Dead.

"It's Time to Leave the Electronic Store!" : Lessons Learned from Cloverfield

* Only attractive, light skinned, twenty-somethings live in the trendy parts of Manhattan.
* Never trust you friend, the cameraman, to keep a secret about whom you've slept with.
* It is really sad when you are hitting on someone who has no interest, and you are filming them at the same time ... I mean, it is pathetic ... and then there will be documentation of it!
* Coney Island is for lovers.
* The best way to get those pesky guests to leave a party is to have explosions going off in the distance.
* Yuppies will flock to the rooftop for a better vantage point if they think that a terrorist attack is occurring.
* There is only one possible response to seeing the head from the Statue of Liberty come flying through the air and land on your block; "OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!"
* The giant monster is not named, "Cloverfield". I think his name is actually, "Ogdon".
* You don't want to be on the Brooklyn Bridge when an amphibious creature is on a rampage.
* Apparently, some women can run miles in high heels, as well as climb ladders.
* Even though someone has a metal rod protruding from her side, you can pull her off said rod, dust her off, and she'll be ready to run out of a building that is caving in.
* The monster has some kind of dog sized body lice, if they bite you, you will blow up.
* Please don't walk on darkened subway tracks.
* If you drop your camera, don't run back for it.
* Speaking of cameras it seems that there is a new digital mini-cam that never runs low on battery power!
* When the atom bombs are dropping, and the world is going to hell, that's when you say, "I love you".