OK, alright, today is the day that
Michael Bay and company release their reboot of
Friday the 13th on an unsuspecting world ... blah, blah, blah it's going to make a gazillion dollars and that's that (oh and
sex-on-a-stick,
Jared Padalecki will be in it, so there's that).
Call me a purist, I liked the old Fridays, in fact I loved the first two films ... you know when it was Mrs. Voorhees knocking off kids, and then her hillbilly sack-head son doing the same (though of course, it begs the question, if Jason was actually alive, why in the hell did his own mother think he was dead??) But I digress.
Presented for your Friday the 13th reading and ogling pleasure, let's take a look at some of the more hunky victims who fell a foul of Mrs. V or her son ...
First up is the
tight-blue-Speedo-wearing, Jack (played by
Kevin Bacon). Jack was a lanky, leggy lad who loved his weed, his girlfriend and showing off his package in the a fore mentioned Speedo's. Of course Jack's use of illicit drugs and his canoodling led to his demise via an arrow in the neck from under his bed thanks to the resourceful Pamela Voorhees.
Next up is my personal fave: Jeff (
Bill Randolph), the hunky, shaggy haired, cocky bastard who was fond of wearing paper boy delivery hats, and wife-beater shirts (to show off his arms) ... he met his end via a spear that impaled both he and his girlfriend whilst they are having it off in
Friday the 13th II.
Look it's Andy,
Randy Andy from
Friday the 13th-3D. Played by
Jeffery Rodgers, Andy had the hair, the pout and the body that led me to believe he was actually on loan from
Falcon Studios. Boy Howdy, but this kid was one athletic camp counselor ... of course it did him no good as he was sliced in half via a machete while walking on his hands.
Hey Dougie! Wait a second, looks a lot like Matthew Star. Played by pretty-boy,
Peter Barton, hunky Doug met his end when Jason, no doubt sick of Doug constantly checking his look in the mirror, crushed his noggin with his bare hands in
Friday the 13th, The Final Chapter. Splat, what an exit!
Cort! Dude! Played by
John Travolta's nephew,
Tom Fridely, Cort was your quintessential 80's party-boy. With his skin tight torn jeans, his to-die-for-eyes and his love of sex, our pretty boy was doomed from the get go. When he died from a hunting knife to the head, Cort discovered, posthumously, that
Jason Lives!
Poor pretty Ben (who in my humble opinion had the finest bum of any actor in any of the Friday films), played by
Craig Thomas met his doom in
Friday the 13th - The New Blood (aka
Carrie meets Jason) in much the same manner that Doug met his; his head was crushed by Jason's hands. Oh well, we'll always have memories of his sweet bubble butt to soothe us.
Remember Julius? The tough mother-fucker who challenged Jason to some
mano a mano fist-a-cuffs on a rooftop in downtown
Vancouver Manhattan. Played by
V.C. Dupree, Julius was a pugilist with a mean right hook, but it was no match for Jason, who ends up knocking Julius head off in
Jason Takes Manhattan
Officer Randy, the curly topped cutie played by
Kipp Marcus, not only is possessed by the soul of Jason Voorhees, he later ends up being done in by a machete through the neck for his troubles in
Jason Goes to Hell.
Yes, he's rather androgynous looking, but Jim (
Todd Shaffer) was a randy lad who met his end via a spear gun in
Jason Takes Manhattan, I've always had a soft spot for this stoner dude, he deserved better.
Oh Teddy you're so fine, you blow my mind, hey Teddy ... Played by
Lawrence Monsoon, Teddy was my kind of punk. Foul mouthed, tough as nails and probably easily had for a six pack of beer and a nickel bag. Teddy died one of the more cinematic deaths in the series; he's standing in front of a movie screen that is showing silent films and is knifed from behind the screen in
The Final Chapter.
OK, this is Stoney (played by
Yani Gellman), he was in
Jason X, and I don't remember how he died, but ain't he purdy????
Don't mess with Bill (
Harry Crosby), he might have been the son of a famous crooner, but Bill was handy with a knife in the original Friday (remember when he chopped up that snake?) he also knew how to fix a funky generator ... alas, he was no match for Mrs. Voorhees archery skills.
And last but not least,
this guy. I am not sure which Friday he was in, but he looks like some guy I used to date, so he's here.
Name: Pamela Voorhees. Retired camp cook.
Before he was Footloose, prior to his name becoming synonymous with Six Degrees of..., years before the adulation began in earnest; Kevin Bacon was just another young struggling actor trying to get noticed.
impossibly tight speedos that left little to the imagination. As a matter of fact, I believe that Bacon's basket was the second most eye-popping moment in Friday the 13th (the first of course being Mrs. Voorhees' decapitation at film's end).
his forehead. It is a small speck of blood and faster than you can say, "Kill him , mommy kill him!" a hand comes out from under the cot our boy is laying in and clamps down on his forehead while an arrow comes up under the mattress and through his neck leaving poor Jack gagging on his own fluids. ... say what you will, but special effects wiz, Tom Savini outdid himself with that stunt!
Bacon's protruding manhood -- maybe one of the sequels could have featured the vengeful ghost of Jack Burell - Friday the 13th Part 11 - Jason vs Jack's Bulge.
And now let us pause to recall those from the original Friday the 13th ... no, not Alice, or little Jason, or even Steve Christy, and certainly not, Mrs. Voorhees.
ile is meant for the young man sitting directly across from her, the fey looking guy with the same color hair as her own ... ah what beautiful children we might have, she thinks ...but look closer, it seems that blond boy is being eyed up by that other guy, the one with the marshmallow skewered suggestively on a stick next to him. I'm pretty sure that earlier in the evening, the boys were playing "hide the salami", be that as it may, blond boy and blond girl are going to hook up, and you know it's going to end rather nastily.
Fifth: She might be the Anna Wintour of Blairstown, the woman reading the paper at the counter, the broad with the wild cat's eye glasses and the fashionable polyester blend striped dress.
only she'd listened.
Played by the Edith Massey-like, Sally Anne Golden, Sandy is the sassy, brassy, bronze haired waitress at the Blairstown Diner who flirts with Steve Christy that rainy Friday the 13th night.
Tenth: That moronic motorcycle cop.
It seems that Alice Hardy (Friday the 13th 1980) and Clay Miller (Friday the 13 2009) had the same hair dresser. Finally, the secret to survival is all about the coif!
If the trailer for Rob Zombie's Halloween II is any indication, Michael Myers will now be guided in his murderous ways by visions of his dead mother...
And the brow that's all furrowed
Oh! God bless you
First up is the tight-blue-Speedo-wearing, Jack (played by Kevin Bacon). Jack was a lanky, leggy lad who loved his weed, his girlfriend and showing off his package in the a fore mentioned Speedo's. Of course Jack's use of illicit drugs and his canoodling led to his demise via an arrow in the neck from under his bed thanks to the resourceful Pamela Voorhees.
Next up is my personal fave: Jeff (Bill Randolph), the hunky, shaggy haired, cocky bastard who was fond of wearing paper boy delivery hats, and wife-beater shirts (to show off his arms) ... he met his end via a spear that impaled both he and his girlfriend whilst they are having it off in Friday the 13th II.
Look it's Andy, Randy Andy from Friday the 13th-3D. Played by Jeffery Rodgers, Andy had the hair, the pout and the body that led me to believe he was actually on loan from Falcon Studios. Boy Howdy, but this kid was one athletic camp counselor ... of course it did him no good as he was sliced in half via a machete while walking on his hands.
Hey Dougie! Wait a second, looks a lot like Matthew Star. Played by pretty-boy, Peter Barton, hunky Doug met his end when Jason, no doubt sick of Doug constantly checking his look in the mirror, crushed his noggin with his bare hands in Friday the 13th, The Final Chapter. Splat, what an exit! 
Cort! Dude! Played by John Travolta's nephew, Tom Fridely, Cort was your quintessential 80's party-boy. With his skin tight torn jeans, his to-die-for-eyes and his love of sex, our pretty boy was doomed from the get go. When he died from a hunting knife to the head, Cort discovered, posthumously, that Jason Lives! 
Poor pretty Ben (who in my humble opinion had the finest bum of any actor in any of the Friday films), played by Craig Thomas met his doom in Friday the 13th - The New Blood (aka Carrie meets Jason) in much the same manner that Doug met his; his head was crushed by Jason's hands. Oh well, we'll always have memories of his sweet bubble butt to soothe us. 
Remember Julius? The tough mother-fucker who challenged Jason to some mano a mano fist-a-cuffs on a rooftop in downtown 
Officer Randy, the curly topped cutie played by Kipp Marcus, not only is possessed by the soul of Jason Voorhees, he later ends up being done in by a machete through the neck for his troubles in Jason Goes to Hell.
Yes, he's rather androgynous looking, but Jim (Todd Shaffer) was a randy lad who met his end via a spear gun in Jason Takes Manhattan, I've always had a soft spot for this stoner dude, he deserved better. 
Oh Teddy you're so fine, you blow my mind, hey Teddy ... Played by Lawrence Monsoon, Teddy was my kind of punk. Foul mouthed, tough as nails and probably easily had for a six pack of beer and a nickel bag. Teddy died one of the more cinematic deaths in the series; he's standing in front of a movie screen that is showing silent films and is knifed from behind the screen in The Final Chapter.
OK, this is Stoney (played by Yani Gellman), he was in Jason X, and I don't remember how he died, but ain't he purdy????
Don't mess with Bill (Harry Crosby), he might have been the son of a famous crooner, but Bill was handy with a knife in the original Friday (remember when he chopped up that snake?) he also knew how to fix a funky generator ... alas, he was no match for Mrs. Voorhees archery skills.
And last but not least, this guy. I am not sure which Friday he was in, but he looks like some guy I used to date, so he's here.
