Horror Porn Rises From the Grave...Again!

 

The last time we did a Horror Porn posting, the fine folks at Zero Tolerance films were talking up their latest epic, the Halloween Parody.   Well the wait is over, wankers, and on June 25th of this year, the Halloween Parody was released.  Let's take a look at the offical description, shall we? :

Even Haddonfield Illinois has never seen evil quite this twisted! When Michael Myers (Mark Wood) breaks out of the Shady Knobs Asylum where he's been locked up for years for murdering his slutty sister, Dr. Loomis (James Batholet) becomes so obsessed with the unleashed evil that he gets himself into a sexual frenzy which gorgeous latex-clad Nurse Marion is only too happy to indulge. Meanwhile, Michael is headed straight for Haddonfield where nerdy Laurie Strode (Chanel Preston) is busy defending her virginity against her whorish neighbors Lynda (Lexi Belle,) Annie (Dana Dearmond), and Bob (Kris Slater). Zeroing in on these wanton losers, Michael takes on various Halloween disguises to get in some serious action with his famously huge schlong - but climaxes are not enough to quench his taste! By the time Laurie goes to investigate, she is horrified at the trail of bodies she finds, and finds herself face to face with Michael! Laurie tries everything to defend herself, but it's Dr. Loomis who finishes the job, leaving him finally satisfied that the evil is gone. But is it?

 Best movie title, EVER!

Because the only good twink, is a silent twink.

If you need a porn film that references Deliverance, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Devil's Rejects, you might need some professional help.   Want to know more? 

XXX meets deliverance in this blistering fuckfest from director of the year JACKtheZIPPER. Kane and Audrey Hollander deliver explosive performances as the party girls who take a wrong turn and end up sex slaves on the ultimate hillbilly hellride. An absolute scorcher! And a must see for fans of Texas Chainsaw Massacre and the Devil's Rejects. Wall to wall orgies, dp's, anal, and pin-up bondage!

 

No hockey masks, no woods, no campers...but check out her hair! 

Yes, yes, I know, The Da Vinci Code was not a horror film (well Tom Hank's hair was pretty scary, but I digress).Be that as it may, when you read the plot of this epic, well, you will understand that genius has left Hollywood and has now taken up residence at PZP productions.

The Priory of Semen, an ancient secret society, finds an ancient scroll that can only be decoded by soaking it with the loads of Leonardo Da Vinci's studly descendants, who must cum on the faces of virgin twinks. There are all kinds of twists and turns along the way as the Da Vinci Boys pop twink cherries from Stonehenge to The Vatican.

Gay Men Trapped in the Body of a Female Horror Blogger 4 :Christine Hadden (AKA Marty Sylvester)

Tuesday's Gay Man Trapped in the Body of a Female Horror Blogger is that mistress of mayhem and proprietress of the blog, Fascination With Fear, Christine Hadden.  Chris is a fan of all things equestrian, a noted grammar Nazi, Vampire lover, and, as we just discovered, man of letters, murder mystery fanatic, dandy,  and gladiator movie enthusiast.

We caught up with Christine at the Rainbow Camp Grounds last summer where she was clearing some land for an afternoon poetry reading and Steve Reeves film festival:

1: Everyone knows your Female Horror Blogger Name, what's the name of the Gay Man Trapped inside? 

Marty Sylvester.  He likes using his old word processor, sexy French accents, murder mystery weekends, and most especially - movies about gladiators.

2: Does your inner Gay Man ever affect your opinion on the films you are watching, and if so, how?  

Sometimes I get a little too emotional when watching something and wonder just who that is inside me that makes me weep when poor Johnny Depp is sucked into the bed of doom in NOES.  And you know, I'm always looking for a bit of man-on-man action - what is up with that?  I mean seriously, wouldn't the remake of My Bloody Valentine have benefited from a steamy little scene between Jensen Ackles and Kerr Smith? Hells yeah!

3: How will you be celebrating Women in Horror Month this February? Do you celebrate it? If not, why not?  

Last year I had a post about a Female Villain in Horror on my blog every single day of February.  I loved doing it but it just about killed me. This year I am bogged down with my (real-life) job, so it's just not possible.  I fully support WiH and love the attention that it brings to all the great work being done by women in this genre - though sometimes I feel as though we should be appreciating what women do all year round.  But it's nice to shine the spotlight regardless.  On a personal note, I am part of an up-coming all-female written issue of PARACINEMA, which will quite possibly be out this month to coordinate with WiH- so I'm pretty proud of that.

4: More importantly, how will you be celebrating Gay Pride Month this June?  

Being from a small town isn't always conducive to tolerance and open-mindedness, so there is a lot of closeted folks around here I fear.  I however, am as liberal and unprejudiced a person as you'll find, so I am open to pretty much anything. Suggestions, please??  If I lived closer to California, I would so be making a trek to San Fran this June to check out that naked bike ride I've heard so much about.  Woot! 

5: Is there a Grande Dame Moment in any horror film these days - some over-the-top performance by an actress akin to Bette Davis in “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane”?  

There's a whole lot of over-the-top going on in horror these days, but there is a blatant difference between GOOD over-the-top and just pure excessive crap.  No one can touch Bette Davis, but I sure did appreciate Ted Levine's sexy little dance in The Silence of the Lambs.

6: Who would your inner Gay Man like to see running around naked in a horror film?  

Most certainly Joe Manganiello, who plays Alcide on True Blood.  If you don't know who he is I only have one word for you:  Google.

7: Who would your outer Female Horror Blogger like to see running around naked in a horror film?  

Much as I love Johnny Depp, I don't really have a wish to see him naked.  Hence, my answer is Timothy Olyphant.  But I'd like him to wear the hat from Justified please.  And if he were to be accompanied in his nakedness by one Chris Hemsworth - I wouldn't have a problem with that.

8: How do you balance the over-all-fabulousness of blogging with the more mundane aspects, that is your life?  

I watch Glee.  It grounds me and forces me to sing show tunes in the shower.  And when I need to decompress, I watch episodes of Spartacus.  Sue us, Marty and I both like men in loin cloths, okay?

9: Do you think that there are some Lesbians Trapped in the Body of Straight Male Horror Bloggers?  

There might be, but they will never (ever) admit it.

10: Gay or Straight, Trapped or Out: What is your view on Horror Blogging in General these days?  

There are a hefty number of bloggers out there that think they are the next coming of Christ as far as horror entertainment goes, and it really amuses me.  To think so highly of one's self is to be a detriment to your reputation.  Please stop the Yoda crap.

I blog because I love horror and I have an inherent need to write.  I'm thankful for the opportunities that have come my way, and even more thankful for the great friendships I have formed over the last few years with people of like minds.   But...  I hate shitty reviews about really bad films and hate shittier grammar even more, so there's a whole lot out there I just avoid.  But that's the joy of it - with blogging, you can put whatever you want out there.  Whether or not people read it, that's just icing on the cake.

11: BONUS QUESTION: It's Friday Night, what are we drinking bitches?   

Bourbon, baby.  Always bourbon.  Straight.  While wearing big, gaudy, "goin' to the Derby'-style hats of course.

Gay Men Trapped in the Body of a Female Horror Blogger 3 : Kristy Jett ( AKA Twinkey Bear)

Today's profile of a Gay Man Trapped in the Body of a Female Horror Blogger is that force of nature known as Kristy Jett.  Blog-mistress, horror-glad-rags-pusher, bad ass, and, revealed here for the first time,  a John Water's loving - Joseph Gordon Levitt stalking  Bear Cub.

We caught up with Kristy at the Eagle Bar in New York City last weekend... put on your protective gear and read what she had to say:

1: Everyone knows your Female Horror Blogger Name, what's the name of the Gay Man Trapped inside? 

Twinkey Bear

2: Does your inner Gay Man ever color your opinion on the films you are watching, and if so, how? 

My inner gay man is a bear who looks to be about 16 years old (just look at me!), so I tend to let him roll with the punches and enjoy tons of exploitation films like Black Shampoo and Bare Behind Bars. Let us not get started on my love and affinity for John Waters films- especially Divine!

3: How will you be celebrating Women in Horror Month this February? Do you celebrate it? If not, why not? 

Oh do I celebrate Women In Horror Month! I treat every month like Women In Horror month by supporting all of my fellow gals in Horror, as often as I can...which is every day :) This month I am celebrating my working on my own portfolio, not selfishly, but to get more exposure to women in the Horror biz. I have upcoming articles in Paracinema Magazine, Ax Wound Zine (created by Women In Horror month founder, Hannah Neurotica), HorrorHound Magazine and Fangoria Magazine!

4: More importantly, how will you be celebrating Gay Pride Month this June?

I will be celebrating gay pride month by watching Showgirls over and over again in honor of my wonderful friend, celebrity manager, Mikey Perez. In addition to that I will be further screaming out loud about how insane it is that it isn't 100% legal for same sex couples to marry everywhere in the world. And attending the Rochester Gay Pride parade- Rochester has an amazing Gay community, including the Image Out Film Festival which features all LGBT films!

5: Is there a Grande Dame Moment in any horror film these days - some over-the-top performance by an actress akin to Bette Davis in “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane”? 

Princess in The Loved Ones! One of the articles I am working on for Ax Wound is all about her. She is the fiercest cunt I have come across in a long time...aside from me of course!

6: Who would your inner Gay Man like to see running around naked in a horror film? 

My inner bear loves cute, scrawny pretty boys, so let's say Joseph Gordon Levitt....I would ride him sore.

7: Who would your outer Female Horror Blogger like to see running around naked in a horror film?

My female blogger loves scrawny nerdy boys- give me Michael Cera or Jesse Eisenberg! I love a boy with a lisp....rawr.

8: How do you balance the over-all-fabulousness of blogging with the more mundane aspects that is your life? 

THERE IS A WORLD OUTSIDE OF BLOGGING?! Oh wait, nevermind, silly me...that's Brandon Sites answer. My answer is...I forget, what was the question?

9: Do you think that there are some Lesbians Trapped in the Body of Straight Male Horror Bloggers?

I mean this in the most complimentary way, and only because they are so supportive of females- James Cortez (Planet of Terror), Zach Shildwachter (Z for Zombies) and John Squires (Freddy In Space). Those three guys right there, make me proud to be a blogger/sitester just because they raise the female flag so high and are such righteous feminists!

10: Gay or Straight, Trapped or Out: What is your view on Horror Blogging in General these days?

To anybody who cares about writing and spreading their love of Horror it is still a beautiful arena to share the passion and make new friends and peers. Sadly to most (Brandon Sites, Rhonny Rheaper, Aleata Illusion, Cruella Moxham) it's all a race to see who can make themselves cyber famous first. Newsflash: You will never get famous the way you are trying to. Secondly, learn how to spell, use grammar, stop selling your souls for screeners, stop cutting, some of you should stop plagiarizing, remember there were films before Saw, reviews should be more than two sentences long if you want to be taken seriously, there is a life outside of dressing like a zombie 24/7, everyone is sick of zombie walks and most of all, pull your heads out of each other's asses. Nobody outside of a small corner of the blogosphere has any idea who you are. We're all nobodies, don't forget that.

11: BONUS QUESTION: It's Friday Night, what are we drinking bitches? 

KAHLUA!

Return of the Son of Horror Porn

Who Ya Gonna Call Fuck?

 Featuring the urban legend about the "gay for pay" actor, no doubt! 

a classic!

Mormon porn?

Rod Serling is turning over in his grave.

Who needs Drew Barrymore? 

"Dear Diary, i never knew vampires had tan lines..."

You know what?  I get vampire-porn, and werewolf porn, but zombie porn...seriously? 

loosely, veeerrry loosely based on American Psycho - nonetheless it does have its, ahem, charms...or so I've heard.

WOW!  Hitch get's the porno treatment...see the trailer below (in glorious black and white, no less!)

Saturday Night Horror Porn Fever

From the 1980's, when The Phantom of the Opera was the hottest ticket on The Great White Way, comes Panting at the Opera ... hey, is that Mackenzie Phillips in the red teddy?

 

Oh sweet mystery of life at last I've found thee ... Hung Wankenstien - I wonder if Mel Brooks gets any residuals from this one?

Not sure what the connection is here, but this gay porn vid is entitled Frankenstein.  And I don't know about you, but I love it when the mad scientist has a tattoo! 

So apparently the monster catches these two gals going at it and tosses them both into a lake ... guess which one floats? 

I guess the monster spends her days at the beach working on her tan.

I've read that you don't have to have seen Cathula I to enjoy this film.

Subtle vampire porn starring the late, great Jon Vincent.

More subtlety.

Classic porn stars playing dress up - twas a dark and stormy night! 

Obviously inspired by the Frank Langella Dracula.

Is she using the woman's head so she can keep her balance in those heels?

The back of the box reads, "They were scared pant-less!"

Probably the best poster of the bunch, at least the production department spent a few moments paying homage to the original  ... and remember, "In the woods, no one can hear you cream."

Horror Porn Rises Again

OK, I am gonna' give this one two thumbs up based on the poster alone...heck, it's got to be better than the film that inspired it!

 

Well, you have to admit that the poster looks legitimate.  If you didn't know better, you might think that this was an actual Friday the 13th film.  That said, why no play on words in the title?  Just the word "parody' after the title ... lame.

Here's another one.  Great poster, but no imagination in giving this Saw sex parody an original title. 

That comedy about three witches is given the X rated treatment - and no play on words in the title.  But I am gonna give 'em credit because the woman in the center does have Bette Midler-like hair.

Leave it to my gay brothers to come up with this one ... OK the title is sort of lame, but "One, Two, Freddy's Cumming in You" is genius - sick fucking genius.

 

I am going to give them an "E" for effort.

Brilliant! "I ain't afraid of no ho!"  Great poster, and Peter North (AKA Matt Ramsey) is in it!

 ***

Check out the promo for the Friday the 13th parody, it's actually pretty entertaining!

It Gets Better

Today I take a break from the horror stuff and would like to address a problem that seems to be getting a lot of press these days; the spate of recent suicides by gay youth.


You probably have read about,Tyler Clementi, the young man from Rutgers University who threw himself off of the George Washington Bridge when he discovered that his roommate had taped him having sex with a man and then put the video online.  Or perhaps you heard about 13 year old Asher Brown from Texas, who shot himself in the head due to the constant bullying he endured at his middle school.  You might have also seen the story about Seth Walsh, the New York student who hung himself allegedly because of bullying at his school, Seth was also 13.  And then there was Billy Lucas and Raymond Chase...both dead by their own hands as well, both also victims of bullying.


Who do we blame for these tragedies?


The bullies?  Absolutely  - I think that the ones who drove these kids to such tragic ends need to answer for their crimes.  But more than that, it's time to look further;  Religious leaders, first and foremost, have a lot to answer for.  The hatred spewing from the pulpits of such monsters as Fred Phelps (the God Hates Fags creep), Eddie Long (the homophobic preacher recently discovered to have been having sex with several of his male parishioners), and of course, the current Prada Wearing Pontiff.  These men and their followers, as well as the Evangelicals, Mormons and Radical Muslims are all complicit in the deaths of these boys.  

Politicians also have blood on their hands.  Mostly republican fear mongers who count on getting votes at any cost, and if that means denying the rights of gays and lesbians, so be it. If that means denigrating gays and lesbians, so be it.  These hateful fuckers are just as guilty and they deserve to be brought up on charges, every last one of them.


But what can be done, now?


I was in high school in the mid 70's. And if memory serves, I was pretty miserable for some of that time.  I did not fit in.  I was not a jock, nor was I brain, I wasn't particularly artistic, I could not sing to save my life, I failed at every attempt at anything in shop classes ... I really did not have a place.  Oh, add to that the simple fact that my sexuality was in full bloom, and I was lusting after guys.  Sheesh. What a fucking mess I was.  While I was not mocked for being gay (because I hid it well), I was called a weirdo and a spazz as well as several other choice labels.   Now, it seems sort of comical, but at the time, it hurt like hell. When I finally out grew my adolescent awkwardness in 11th and 12th grade, I found that if I  "blended in" I got along just fine.  And that's  what I did.  I donned a suburban costume of  normalcy and sucked it up.  Imagine my shock when in the final months of 12th grade, two of my best friends turned out to be gay!  Imagine my delight when the three of us admitted this to the other just two or three months shy of graduation ... that helped a lot.


As much has changed in the decades since I went to school, the pecking order is probably still the same, and if I had my way, I'd take every single gay boy and girl aside and tell them they are beautiful, important, NORMAL people who will, in time, rise above the foolishness they are dealing with and that they will brush off the dust of their school years and emerge as fully functional adults.  I would tell them that every insult they might have hurled at them now, will be nothing more than a bad memory. Furthermore, I would encourage the gay kids to seek out the other outcasts; the AV Club geeks, the artsy crowd, the theater club...band together and form a majority - in union there is strength.


Unfortunately, I can't speak to every kid suffering due to homophobia - but, if by chance, just one of you is reading this.  Please know one thing: It Gets  Better.  I swear to you that it does.

LINK FOR IT GETS BETTER PROJECT

Movie Poster Madness: The Return of Horror Porn!

True Blood finally got the porn treatment with this little chestnut entitled, Tru.

True Blood love continued with this tasteful gay film, Twink Blood.  This one comes complete with a blooper reel!

"They Suck! They Fuck! They Kill!"  No, it's not a movie about The Tea Party, it's Dawn of the Head.

The star of An Erotic Werewolf in London is the winner of my fave porn star name!

Samara's back, and she's horny in The Taunting.

Probably the classiest box cover for a porno film - The Sex Files II.

Mormon Gals Gone Wild in Twilight of Virginity!

and finally, everyone's fave teen wizard is bastardized, tattooed, and, apparently, given steroids in Whorrey Potter and The Sorcerer's Balls.  Oh, and it's in 3-D to further your viewing pleasure.

Why Bill Compton, What a Sweet Bum You Have...

The latest issue of Rolling Stone features the three main actors of HBO's True Blood, nekid and bloody!

Anna Paquin, Stephen Moyer and Alexander Skarsgard (Sookie, Bill and Eric for those in the know), appear sprayed in blood and not much else on the cover of RS hitting newsstands today (August 17th, 2010).

Of special interest to yours truly, is Mr. Moyer's arse - damn, that's a fine tuckus if you ask me!

My only complaint?  Why couldn't Jason Stackhouse (Ryan Kwanten) been the meat in this bloody, fleshy sandwich?

 Until such a time, this should hold you over...

...oh, and one more thing.  The Rolling Stone cover read's "They're Hot, They're Sexy, They're Undead";  a witty riff on the cover RS published back in the early 80's during the Jim Morrison fascination.