Horror Movie DILF : Paranormal Activity 3

Name: Dennis (no last name given)

Occupation: Wedding Video Photographer.

Family: Julie, girlfriend. Katie and Kristi, surrogate daughters.

Location: Santa Rosa, California

Why is he a DILF? :  Scruffy, sexy and sweet-natured, Dennis is the kind of guy who loves his girlfriend and is devoted to her two young daughters.  In fact, he's the kind of guy who will even partake of a tea party with one of the moppets.

Granted, he may not be making a lot of money as a guy who videotapes weddings; he does spend a lot of time at home, and is always ready to lend a hand. 

When things start going bump in the night, Dennis rigs his girlfriend's house will all kinds of video cameras (including one he attaches to an oscillating fan base) to see if he might be able to capture some evidence of what is happening. 

That he nicely fills out a pair of jeans, is merely a plus. 

Unfortunately, Dennis comes to an untimely end while trying to protect his girlfriend's kids when he runs afoul of some Satanic hijinks.

Played by: Chris Smith

Horror Movie DILF: Insidious

Name:  Josh Lambertt


Occupation: Teacher.


Family: Wife, Renai. Sons, Dalton & Foster. Daughter, Tess. 


Location: Unspecified suburb of Los Angeles California.


Why Is He a DILF?:  Josh is a boyishly handsome fellow who is secure enough in his masculinity to apply anti-wrinkle cream to his face before bed ... he loves his children, though he seems somewhat distant to his wife.  As a matter of fact, he stays late at his job for no other apparent reason than to avoid spending time with his better half...

In spite of his somewhat ambivalent feelings to the missus, Josh agrees to move out of the new home he just moved his family into when his wife insists that things are going bump in the night.  That said, he is loathe to admit that anything supernatural might be happening, in spite of the weird goings-on...oh, and he also looks great in boxer shorts ...

Finally, when confronted with the reality that his son's soul has been kidnapped by a lipstick obsessed daemon, and that he himself, has a ghostly past; Josh man's up in a big way and travels to the "other side" where he battles a host of ghoulies and ghosties and long-leggedy beasties to bring his beloved son's spirit back to the real world...

...unfortunately for Josh, his bravery comes at a terrible price...here's hoping a sequel is in the works that features how Josh's story ends.

Played by: (the always delectable) Patrick Wilson.

Horror Movie DILF : The Car

Name : Wade Parent


Occupation: Sheriff of Santa Ynez, Utah.


Family:  Divorced, ex-wife's name unknown.  Daughters, Lynn Marie & Debbie.


Why is he a DILF? :  Because he sports a porn stache, wears Aqua Velva, drinks a bit too much, is bitter over his divorce, recklessly drives a dirt bike...and yet, despite all of this, he's a caring father to his two little girls and devoted to his girlfriend (the local marching band coach, Lauren).  

And then, when a demonic coupe begins to terrorize his town, Sheriff  Parent gets it together,  and along with his posse of fellow law men, leads the Satanic sedan to a fiery end.

 Played by: James Brolin

Horror Movie DILF: The Last Exorcism

Name:  Reverend Cotton Marcus


Location: Baton Rouge, Louisiana


Occupation: Preacher, Faith Healer, Exorcist.


Family:  Wife, Shanna.  Son, Justin.


Why is he a DILF ?:  Because he's a smooth talking charlatan who could charm a snake right out of his skin.  One part Elmer Gantry, one part Marjoe Gortner, the good Reverend knows how to milk a scam like nobody's business.  It does not matter if he's preaching about baking banana bread, or making a few bucks driving imaginary demons out of some country bumpkin, he does it with class and dignity. 

Despite his penchant for trickery, Cotton is devoted to his wife and his son (who had a birth defect that lead to the child's loss of hearing).  It appears that he works so hard at fooling the masses so that he can bring in money to help with his son's therapy.

A local sensation, Cotton jumped at the chance to be in a documentary film that would not only expose his spiritual quackery, but perhaps serve as a springboard to bigger and better (as well as more legitimate) things.

Armed with his bag of tricks (including his smoking crucifix), Cotton and his film crew go to the home of a simple farmer and his daughter.  The farmer feels that his offspring is possessed by a demon.  Sensing that this will be his last exorcism, he pulls out all the plugs and gives the locals what they want - engages in some high tech sleight of hand, and proclaims the farmer's daughter free of evil...

...little did he know, however, that he had walked into something much worse than he could imagine, and soon, he finds himself in the midst of a Satanic double cross that will lead to his death.

Let's face it, it's not hard to find this guy attractive; he's self assured, charismatic, and charming.  More than that, when the chips are down, instead of turning away and heading for safety, he tries to come to the aid of the allegedly possessed girl.    All in all, that's what makes him one sexy DILF in my book!

Played by: Patrick Fabian.

Horror Movie DILF: Rosemary's Baby

Name: Guy Woodhouse


Location: New York City, New York.


Occupation: Actor


Family: Wife, Rosemary Woodhouse - Step Son, Adrian (Andy) Woodhouse


Why Is  He a DILF?: Love him or hate him, Guy Woodhouse is an undeniably charismatic little snake.  He's also the kind of guy who would sacrifice anything (or anyone) to get to the top of the show biz ladder.  In the early days of his career he showed much promise in the plays, "Luthor" and "Nobody Loves an Albatross"  as well as numerous television dramas and commercials.   Many have made mention of the gestures he made with his arms in "Luthor".

Guy's  big break came at the expense of fellow actor, Donald Baumgart, who suddenly went blind allowing Guy to take over the role Baumgart had.  Insider's claimed that Woodhouse "Made a deal with the devil", as his career seemed to go on the fast track since that point.

And, in fact, he did make a deal (if not with the devil firsthand, then with one of Old Scratch's associates); selling his wife's womb to a bunch of elderly Satanists so that she could carry the spawn of The Antichrist.   What a dog!

Still though, there is something undeniably hot about a bastard who'd stoop to such levels to get what he wants - if not acting, Guy Woodhouse could have made an equally big name for himself in business or politics, the sleazy bastard!

Played By: John Cassavetes

Horror MovieTelevision DILF : Dexter

Name: Dexter Morgan

Location: Miami, Florida

Occupation: Blood Splatter Pattern Expert for the Miami Metro police department.

Family: Wife (Rita - deceased) Son (Harrison), Step Son (Cody Bennett), Step Daughter (Astor Bennett), Step Sister (Debra).

Why Is He a DILF?:Neat, tidy, fastidiously clean, Dexter Morgan is a caring father to his infant son, Harrison, a loving step father to Cody and Astor, and was devoted to his wife Rita, before she fell afoul of the dreaded Trinity Killer and was found bled out in the family bathtub.  During the day, Dexter is a respected member of the Miami Metro Police department, but by night he is an a avenging angel - a serial killer with a moral code.  He (usually) only kills those who deserve it.  True, his nocturnal pursuits have put some strain on his "straight" life, but Dexter always seems to come away clean with little or no blood on his hands. 

Played by: Michael C. Hall

Bad Bad Boys, You Make Me Feel So Good

For Gay Pride Month,  it's time for a little sexual objectification here at BLS.  Let's take a look at a handful of  Bad Boys from Horror Films - you know the type; you'd never take them home to meet your momma, but a one night stand might not be out of the question...

Norman Bates (Psycho):

Sure, sure, at first glance, he's anything but a rebel.  A seemingly decent fellow who runs a small hotel on a back road.  Devoted to his mother, and fastidiously clean, shy and reserved.  However, you know that if you could just keep him away from knives, wigs and dresses, he might be a lot of fun between the sheets.  Sure, the both of you would  have to work through years of "mother issues", but chances are once that was achieved, Norman might be a hell of a good lay!

Billy Nolan (Carrie):

Bates High School's king of the auto shop, Billy Nolan is the kind of guy we all could not help but notice.  His confident strut, his great head of hair.  Sure, he's not very bright, but that works in our favor - just blow in his ear, and he'll follow you anywhere.  Easily manipulated, and willing to do anything to get laid, chances are you could have your car's brakes worked on provided you were willing to go down on him (or vice versa) .  Sex is probably energetic and quick with Billy, but what the heck; your needs are met, and you got an oil change (or a bucket of pig's blood) in the deal!

Count Dracula (Dracula - 1979) :

Yeah, yeah, your immortal soul is in danger - big fucking deal.  When you find a blood sucker as suave as this Count, you take it!   Personally, I love a vampire who shows  a little chest when he comes to my window.  Furthermore, there's those crazy eyes of his (Jeepers Creepers, where did he get those peepers?) .  Unlike other less skilled Nosferatu, this Dracula knows how to really seduce his conquests.  He's not afraid of a little kissing, and whispering sweet nothings before he get's down to action.   Best thing about doing it with Count Dracula?  You don't have to make him breakfast in the morning!

George Lutz (The Amityville Horror):

Woof, woof!  George is a DILF.  He's good with an axe, and crazier than a bed bug!  But let's face facts, everyone knows that these "on edge" types are the best lays in the world.  Insanely enthusiastic, chances are you'll both break quite a sweat before too long, but that's good a thing, sex with someone like George is one of those events that only happens rarely - savor it, and go back for seconds (crazy guys can go all night!) but just make sure you DON'T have sex at his place, trust me on that one. 

Captain Rhodes (Day of the Dead):

He might be running this monkey farm, but what he really needs is a good roll in the hay.  Come on, all that bravado, yelling, screaming, it's just pent up sexual energy.  Take away his guns, and get him out of that dirty uniform, and Captain Rhodes will be putty in your hands.  All he needs is someone who is not afraid to to stand up to him.  You can wear him down, and have a lot of fun doing so - within a few hours, he'll be your punk, begging for more.  Then it's your call, do you go back for seconds, or do you feed him to the zombies?

Horror Movie DILF: The Howling

Name: Bill Neil

Location: "The Colony" somewhere in the wilds of rural California.

Occupation: Television News producer.

Family: Wife, Karen White, noted anchor at L.A.'s KDHB, 6 News.

Why He's A DILF:  If you are looking for a sensitive guy, Bill Neil's your man. In fact if he had kids, he would probably be a great dad - well, at least for awhile; initially a caring soul who is a dedicated vegetarian and loving husband that only wants to watch over his recently traumatized wife (she was attacked by a madman in an adult movie theater while trying to get a story on a serial rapist)...everything's fine until Bill goes with the little woman to The Colony and runs in to a local floozy who , as it turns out, is a werewolf...in fact everyone at The Colony is a werewolf!  Anyway, when the slut sets her eyes on Big Bill, she decides to take a bite out of him and faster than you can say, "What big eyes, you have grandma!",  he becomes a (GASP) meat eater!

Then, a few nights later, the werefloozy and Bill hook up again, and start bumping uglies in front of a roaring fire..

 ...and Bill transforms into a slobbering...

... howling, hairy beast...

...with only two things on his mind...

...and they aint vegetarianism and EST!

Once he's transformed, he is no longer the sensitive new-age-guy that Karen loved, but heck, who wouldn't overlook those shortcomings if they had a beast like Bill to come home to?

Played By: Christopher Stone

Horror Movie DILF: Tremors

Name: Earl Bassett

Location: Perfection, Nevada.

Occupation: Handyman

Family: While there is no indication of a proper family, Earl seems to have a rather close relationship with fellow handyman and ne'er-do-well,Valentine McKee. The guys have a rather father/son vibe going on, or maybe it's something else, who knows? Both men have a propensity of wearing very tight pants and like to play with guns - also, it is noted that once Valentine shows some interest in one of the few eligible women who shows up in Perfection, he seems irked.

Why is He a DILF?: When trouble strikes Perfection in the form of humongous sand worms, Earl is up to the challenge - granted, he might not want to get involved at first, but when the going gets tough, he hitches up his skin tight Levis, squares his manly shoulders, slaps Valentine on the butt and takes charge. Frankly his butch demeanor is only matched by one other resident of Perfection, the gun toting, Heather Gummer (who utters one of the best lines of the film as she and her husband are trying to shoot at the giant serpents and she sees that the bullets are not having an effect, "Didn't even get penetration!"). Earl is indeed one hot daddy, and a great unsung Horror Movie DILF!

Played by: Fred Ward (and special notice to Kevin Bacon as Valentine, and Reba McEntire as the butch, Heather!)

***
Brokeback Tremors

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For Father's Day: Let's Re-Celebrate those DILFs

Horror Movie DILF: What Lies Beneath

Name: Dr. Norman Spencer

Location: A lakefront farmhouse somewhere in Vermont.

Occupation: Genetic research scientist / College professor.

Family: Wife, Claire. Daughter, Caitlin.

Why is He a DILF?: Because he's a mean old daddy bear with a fuzzy chest, and a twisted mind. Outward appearances seem to portray a smart, sensitive man with great tastes. However, his inner self is a beast prone to killing the young co-ed he was having an affair with, gas lighting his wife, and then eventually trying to kill her! But heck, why look at the negatives ... Dr. Spencer is one hawt older dude, and if you are gonna' lust after a psycho, at least make sure he's rich and sexy.

WOOF WOOF, Dr. Spencer.

Played by: Harrison Ford.

Horror Movie DILFS: The Langoliers

Name: Captain Brian Engle

Location: Past, present, and future.

Occupation: Jet Pilot for American Pride Airlines.

Family: Unknown (though the rest of the cast makes a sort of surrogate unit for The Captain).

Why is He a DILF?: With those broad shoulders, blue eyes and baby face; Captain Engle comes across as the ultimate father figure. Soft spoken, deceive, willing to take charge, and yet, a definite aura of sensitivity seems to emanate from him. Who would not want to sit in Captain Engle's cockpit while he steers his massive ship through the friendly skies ... as well as time portals! And then, when the badly animated Pac Men time-eaters show up, it's Captain Engle who manages a magnificent,seat-of-your-pants-escape!

Played By: David Morse

Horror Movie DILFs : Poltergeist

Name: Steve Freeling

Location: Cuesta Verde, California

Occupation: Real Estate agent.

Family: Wife (Diane) Daughters (Dana and Carole Anne) Son (Robbie). Dog (Ebuzz).

Why Is He a DILF?: Though he may very well have morphed into a Regan supporter in later years (early in the film, we see him reading The Gipper's biography), Steve Freeling is a pot smoking, fun loving guy who likes to talk dirty to his wife in a Donald Duck voice. It seems obvious that he knocked up Diane when they were both teens (as is witnessed by the Freeling's eldest daughter, herself a teen). It seems that Steve was probably a wild boy in his day. The Steve we know is the responsible, hardworking, caring father and husband. Men like Steve Freeling are sexy for several reasons, not only are they great guys, but they also can bring home the bacon...and of course when the ghosts take over the Freeling's suburban tract house and kidnap his youngest daughter, he's up for the fight - even if it means putting his faith in a pint sized psychic, watching his wife get sucked into a portal of hell, and telling his boss to fuck off!

Played by: Craig T. Nelson