8/5/09

Lessons Learned from Cthulhu

***

*If you are driving home for your mother's funeral, and you come across a car accident victim who says, with his dying breath, "I knew you'd come back", well, that's never a good omen.* Stopping into the old boathouse where you used to jerk off with your best friend from high school, and discovering hundreds of names written on the floors, walls and ceiling of said boathouse: another bad omen.* If your estranged, homophobic father is the head of some obscure religious cult and apparently has had more plastic surgery than Joan Rivers, well, you in trouble, boy!* That old jerk-off buddy from high school who got married, had a kid, and then left his wife, has been carrying a torch for you for the past fifteen years - of course, over time, he's become something of a drunk and a pot head; but trust me, he's still hot for you, dude!* If you dream about that accident victim, and the rune he's holding shows up in your bed the next morning ... oh well, more bad news.* Your crazy aunt will be of no help.* OK, that old drunk guy at the bar is telling the truth, listen to him, man, take notes!* Meeting up with Tori Spelling in front of the polar bear tank will only spell trouble.* Apparently, Tori Spelling can seduce a gay man because she's so...well, she's so Tori!* If all else fails, Tori will spike your baloney sandwiches and then date rape you - hey, this is a horror film after all!
* It's always sad when a "beloved garbageman" disappears. * You will finally have sex with that old high school pal, he will swear that he's not gay, but he'll tell you that he loves you - and finally, you'll get the stank of Tori Spelling out of your soul.* Sometime after you fuck your old chum, you will be arrested for murder (don't ask) and spend the night in jail , and H.P. Lovecraft will send his tentacled horror of horror's to free you, yes, that's right Cthulhu himself is coming to free you - isn't he the most horrifying thing you've ever seen? Look, you can see him through the window of your cell door. Isn't he scary?* The end of the world is going to be decidedly underwhelming.* Tori Spelling will show up one more time (in a slutty red dress), and all of your friends and family will hail you as some sort of spooky savior, or something, maybe it's just a surprise birthday party...whatever the case, everyone dresses nice for the end of the world, don't they?* Finally, after all of this foolishness, you will be asked to kill your lover so that you can gain your rightful place as...well, as something...and then your adventure will come to a frustrating, ambiguous ending.yup, this movie is downright dreadful...

2 comments:

The Dreaded Rhubarb said...

Thank you for letting me know this film stinks before I inflicted it on an audience of grumpy queers who are already angry at me for showing them FAQS. I don't suppose you've seen The Shadows?

On a personal level I might watch Cthulu just to see Tori Spelling playing a date rapist. I still cherish happy memories of catching the last hour of Mother May I Sleep With Danger late one evening after inadvertently taking triple the recommended dose of Night Nurse. Why she doesn't get more work I do not know.

MonsterScholar said...

I hope that's badly done age makeup on the aunt because she looks horrible.

It also sucks that the film is named Cthulu, but the only glimpse we get of him/ it is through a tiny prison window. Rip off.

And Tori Spelling as a date rapist? Now I've seen it all.