5/28/10

ADD Film Review: Legion

Like all bad fiction, Legion begins on a dark and stormy night. 

The Archangel Michael falls from heaven into a back alley in L.A., cuts off his wings, raids a warehouse for guns and ammo, and kills a couple of cops (one who earlier seemed to be channeling Travis Bickle).  From there he heads out into the desert until he comes to a run down diner where, just a few minutes earlier, an old woman went crazy, crawled up the walls, and tried to kill a few of the restaurant's patrons.

Michael lets the folks at the roadside establishment (one of whom is played by Lucas Black, who has grown up into a quite a handsome young man), that Armageddon has come, God is pissed, and a heavenly host are descending on mankind possessing them and turning them into crazy killing creeps.  However, there is hope!  It seems that the diner's waitress is knocked up, and if her baby can be born, humanity might survive.

Soon a plague of flies hits, and a scary ice cream man shows up to spider walk his way into our hearts.  Later on, hundreds of angelically possessed (that's just a technicality, because to the untrained eye, you'd swear they were demonically possessed) people descend on the greasy spoon and all heaven breaks loose.

Will mankind prevail?  Will Gabriel show up and blow his horn?  Will humanity survive?  Will the plotholes in this movie swallow it alive?

Show this one to your "Born Again" friends, they'll probably have a stroke. 

4 comments:

Star said...

this movie was dreadful. even i wouldn't subject my born again friends to sit thru this mess. however, if the angel gabriel really looks like kevin durand, i need to seriously rethink the path of lust, wrath, and gluttony that i've been traveling down.

Aurora Hylton said...

It sounds so cheesy that I'll have to get it next time I'm at Blockbuster. My son will get a kick out of it and I'm sure my husband will too. My daughters, not so much. One of them likes to see movies of whatever genre that are actually...well...GOOD, and the other will probably drag me to see Sex in the City 2.

Tower Farm said...

I remember seeing the preview for this movie and my eyes rolling back so far in my head that I feared I'd lose my vision forever. This looks beyond lame. Thanks for comfirming my initial expectations of this one!
-Billy

jennypower said...

The ice cream man is Doug Jones, veteran of many great creature features. That being said, you could distill the good parts of this movie to maybe three minutes. The rest of the time you can just mute it and watch Paul Bettany glower.