4/14/08

Hot Suckers!


Let's face it, vampires are the hottest of all the supernatural beasts dreamt up by man. Usually descended from royalty, filled with the knowledge they have gained over the centuries, cocky over the fact that they can not be killed; what's not to love about das Vampyre?

With that in mind, here is my humble ranking of the eight hottest blood suckers from film. Enjoy, and feel free to add some of your own!

8: John Amplas as the title character in George Romero's Martin: Poor Martin, a sensitive soul from Pittsburgh who believes that he is cursed to drink blood. The fact the he does not have fangs, can walk about in the daylight, and can not turn into a bat does nothing to dissuade the boy that he's not really a vampire. A crazy uncle is no help. Amplas is both pathetic and beautiful as the troubled young man in one of Romero's best non- zombie flicks.

7: Billy Wirth as Dwayne in The Lost Boys: Though he had next to nothing to do but stand around and prove that even the undead could have a great head of hair and look like a male-model, Dwayne was my favorite vamp in this film ... sheesh, a hot vampire named "Dwayne"- who knew?

6: Gary Oldman as Count Dracula in Bram Stoker's Dracula: Not only did Oldman OWN this part, he made Drac one sexy dandy. I seriously wanted to get that suit, hat and sunglasses he sported the first time we see the Count walking the streets of London!

5: Frank Langella as Count Dracula in Dracula (1979): John Badham's sweeping, almost operatic, take on the tale of the Count was made even more enjoyable by casting Langella as the horny lead. I loved how as the movie progressed, Dracula looked less like a thousand year old demon, and more like a swinging playboy. Did you ever notice that his shirt is unbuttoned much of the time?

True Story: When I first saw this film back in the day, I was seated in front of a group of African American women who were very verbal during most of the movie. However, when Dracula has his way with Nina (Kate Nelligan), they suddenly fell silent until the scene ended and then one of them stage whispered, "Girl, he could bite me any time!"


4: Bill Paxton as the white trash vampire in Near Dark: Oh man, how fucking hot was Paxton in this movie? I love a vampire who knows how to use his spurs!

3: Brad Pitt as Louis in Interview With the Vampire: Ah, the sensitive, tortured, beautiful demon. What's not to love?

2: Salma Hayek as Santanico Pandemonium in From Dusk till Dawn: I might be a gay man, but good god, Hayek melted my butter in her brief, but brilliant moment in Robert Rodríguez's modern day vampire tale. When she puts her foot in Quentin Tarantino's mouth and pours whiskey down her leg, which he drinks, I pretty much developed a new sexual fetish that moment. Oh, and that name, Santanico Pandemonium, If I ever adopt, that's going to be what I name my daughter Santanico Pandemonium Romano.

1: Antonio Banderas as Armand in Interview With the Vampire: And finally, ain't no one, dead or alive who floats my boat as much as Banderas ... his Armand was sexual and terrifying and pretty much made me wish that I lived in the basement at the Théâtre des Vampires in Paris!

6 comments:

The Divine Ms. Jimmi said...

I agree! Antonio is the sexiest of Vampires!! Feast upon me!

JA said...

I just wish Antonio and Brad had been allowed to make with the vamp-sex. Although... the world might have ended from the hotness.

Also, I demand that you adopt a little girl and name her Santanico Pandemonium Romano right now. Because AWESOME.

mausoleumgirl said...

Thank you so much for including my very first Vampire Crush in your list. I fell madly in love with Frank Langella when I was all of 10years old. Thankfully my progressive parents allowed me to see this movie as I was Dracula's biggest fan at that age. I believe it is one of the factors that made me the strange little woman I am today.

Tenebrous Kate said...

If I ever adopt, that's going to be what I name my daughter Santanico Pandemonium Romano

I heartily endorse this idea--pure unfiltered excellence, says me!

For me, the Queen of Queer Vampires is Soledad Miranda's Countess Carody in "Vampyros Lesbos." *sigh* A nightclub-performing Eurotrash lesbian vampire? Yes please!

I really dig your blog--will definitely be checking back in to see new posts! You've got a great, fresh point of view.

Absinthe said...

You nailed it with Armand - by far the best vamp that ever was - but you left out Lestat both played by Tom Cruise and Stuart Townsend, that was the only time ever that I thought Tom Cruise was sexy. And Stuart Townsend is always sexy, I also enjoyed him as Dorian Grey in The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (pretty much the only reason I watch that film is to see the scenes between his character and the hot vamp Mina Harker played by Peta Wilson)

Anonymous said...

what about JERRY DANDRIDGE!!!! FRIGHT NIGHT???!! Hottest vampire ever!!!!