Best Scary Non Horror Film I've Seen in Ages

Just Another Love Story will fark with your head and leave you breathless!

Wake up Sam...

Looking forward to True Blood ...only one more episode left after tonight's.

FRESH SLABS OF MEAT: Hunky Victims (9)

Victim: Ed Getley

Film: Evil Dead II - Dead by Dawn

Hunk Factor: Blue eyes, blond hair, baby face ... you just can't get any prettier than Ed Getley...look at how he makes that modified mullet and that Members Only jacket work! Check out the unbuttoned shirt showing just the slightest tuft of chest hair. Oh and just wait till he flashes that crooked little half smile...sigh, this guy could sell ice to an Eskimo (and that's going to come in handy, wait and see!). Granted he seems a bit light in the loafers, and his girl friend, Annie, is kind of dykey; but hey, that's what makes their relationship so ... special. If only she had listened to him and decided not to go to her parent's cabin in the woods with that damn Book of the Dead - you see, Ed wanted to go to New York City to see the revival of Follies, and then maybe out for drinks ... oh well, you all know what happens next.
Possessed by: a Candarian demon.

Dispatched by: an axe to the head...AND THEN...

Reincarnated as: A QVC host!
played by Richard Domeier

Baby Love: Lessons Learned from À l'intérieur

French nurses are creepy and crazy, and they smoke on maternity wards; that said...

...they are not as crazy and creepy as that woman smoking on your patio...

...the one who looks like Angelina Jolie meets Morticia Adams.

That crazy beyotch has one hell of an aim and throws scissors with an arm that could get her signed to a major league American baseball team!

The police, will be of no help.If your mother shows up, you'll probably think she's the crazy broad and stab her in the neck - oopsie!

Meanwhile, your editor will find himself stabbed in the crotch......as well as the face, neck, arse, hands, eyes and anywhere else that crazy beyotch cares to stab him. It might be a really good idea to stay locked in the bathroom, no matter who comes to the door at this point......then again, if you do open the door, a policeman will be there, and well, he'll have his head blown in half by crazy beyotch.When all else fails, find a can of aerosol and spray crazy beyotch as she goes to light a cigarette.Even if one of the police you thought was dead, rises up, zombie like, he'll still be of no help, in fact he'll probably attack you.Happily, crazy beyotch and her freshly barbecued face will rise up and put down zombie cop.And then, after you go into labor, crazy beyotch will do a low budget c-section on you and deliver your baby ... unfortunately, you will bleed to death.Motherhood, and this movie, ain't for the fainthearted.

Not since Jacqueline Susann put pen to paper...

Hey kids, look what showed up in my mail box today!

That's right, it's the latest book from the darling of the slasher set, Mr. Vince "Boom Boom" Liaguno. Yup our own fellow Tana Tea drinker is now in the same leauge as Vanna White, Joan Collins, and of course, Ms. Jamie Lee Curtis; a published diva!

Once I read the review by Walter Somerset of the Long Island Penny Saver who exclaimed, "Not since Jacqueline Susann put pen to paper, has an author created such a marvelous piece of fiction...", I knew I had to get my mitts on this book.

OK, I kid. Actually, I can not wait to dive into this one. Something tells me I am in for one terrific read.

Horror Movie DILF: Tremors

Name: Earl Bassett

Location: Perfection, Nevada.

Occupation: Handyman

Family: While there is no indication of a proper family, Earl seems to have a rather close relationship with fellow handyman and ne'er-do-well,Valentine McKee. The guys have a rather father/son vibe going on, or maybe it's something else, who knows? Both men have a propensity of wearing very tight pants and like to play with guns - also, it is noted that once Valentine shows some interest in one of the few eligible women who shows up in Perfection, he seems irked.

Why is He a DILF?: When trouble strikes Perfection in the form of humongous sand worms, Earl is up to the challenge - granted, he might not want to get involved at first, but when the going gets tough, he hitches up his skin tight Levis, squares his manly shoulders, slaps Valentine on the butt and takes charge. Frankly his butch demeanor is only matched by one other resident of Perfection, the gun toting, Heather Gummer (who utters one of the best lines of the film as she and her husband are trying to shoot at the giant serpents and she sees that the bullets are not having an effect, "Didn't even get penetration!"). Earl is indeed one hot daddy, and a great unsung Horror Movie DILF!

Played by: Fred Ward (and special notice to Kevin Bacon as Valentine, and Reba McEntire as the butch, Heather!)

***
Brokeback Tremors

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Drive In Memories

I was talking to some co-workers this morning about the demise of the drive-in movie theater. New Jersey was lousy with the things up until about 15 years ago or so, and then, one by one, they closed down to make way for some multiplexes, condos, strip malls and other soulless structures ... happily there is still one functioning drive in in The Garden State that I am aware of, hopefully more will pop up - I feel bad for the generation of kids who never got to experience the unfettered joy of watching films in the front seat of the car, or maybe even coping a feel in the back seat ... how about hiding someone in the trunk and sneaking them in?

In any case, I got to thinking of the last films I saw at the drive in... funny thing is, they were all horror/fantasy or sci fi films; perfect drive in viewing.
I saw Little Shop of Horrors at the now defunct Tacony Palmyra Drive In in Palmyra, NJ. I went with a group of friends and we smuggled in some beer and some decent food (everything you have heard about drive in fare was true, the grub was mostly horrible)...
...if memory serves, The Witches of Eastwick was the second feature that night.
My ex and I caught Pet Sematary at the Super 130 in Beverly, NJ. Man, oh man, that movie blew my mind ... owed, in no small part, to the illicit smoke we were partaking of during the viewing. Needless to say, we braved the snack counter that night and ate hamburgers that were the texture of hockey pucks, and drank soda that was mostly over carbonated and under flavored - and yet, it tasted like ambrosia, I wonder why?
The last movie I ever saw at a drive in was Leviathan, again, my ex and I went, and again we brought some weed. What can I say? It was a simpler time...funny thing, I don't recall much of the movie, but I do remember that we had a great time that night...err, that is...never mind.

*** Year's earlier, I also recall seeing Perfect at the Pennsauken Drive In; no, it was not a horror film, even though Jamie Lee Curtis was in it - this was after her Scream Queen run, a buddy of mine had dragged me out to see this mess and for some reason, only one scene stays with me...

...that would be John Travolta gyrating on a six story screen. Keep in mind this was Travolta long before Scientology, bad food, a fake marriage, and the death of his son took its toll...

Ah, sweet drive-in memories.

TV I Wish For (1)

Gay Zombie Porn in the making.

Just heard on the Mail Order Zombie podcast, that director, Bruce LaBruce is currently working on his latest opus, LA Zombie, which is, I suppose, a sort of follow up to his other gay zombie pic, Otto; or, Up With Dead People. Below is a picture of the star of the film, Mr. Francois Sagat as, one supposes, the titular character of said film.For those unaware, Sagat is the star of such films as Hard as Wood, Folsom Filth and that perennial favorite, Humping Iron.

This is what he looks like with out zombie makeup:

For more information on LA Zombie, CLICK HERE.

For more information about Sagat, CLICK HERE - and be warned this site is not safe for work, minors or homophobes - the rest of you will just love it!!

Boys in the Sand: Even Psycho Beach Party bums get the blues

It's tough being a swell-riding-JFK-era-youth who only wants to hit the waves, party on the beach and hang with his buds...because things keep happening that always bring you down...
...like that chick at the drive-in who had her throat slashed - major bummer. But you can't focus on gnarly stuff like that, it's a teenage world, and you own the beach, you've got better things to do......like wrestle with your best pal in the sand......while someone sprays oil all over your body...
...and it's all fun and games, until one of you comes up with a severed hand ... ultimate boner killer, dude.And what's up with that human heart they found on the beach this morning? Totally bogus!Stuff like that will drive you into the arms of one your pals, besides, he's such a "Zepherrr".That lady detective, she's another buzz kill, always asking questions, always poking around - and why does she wear six inch spike heels on the beach?And that girl, the one they call "Chicklet"; she's a total fruit cake! One minute she's Gidget on a boogie board, and the next thing you know, she's acting like a crazed mad woman calling her self, "Ann Bowman". And referring to her self in the third person; Ann Bowman created orgies! Dude, what's her damage?Playing dress up always calms the nerves, and you always did look good in a nice chiffon number with a feather trim......aw heck, not another dead guy ... hey, that's one of your surfer friends, oh man, look, one of his testicles is in his mouth - aw jeez, what's next?You had to ask? That mean girl in the wheelchair just had her head lopped off...oh well, no great loss, she was a real bitch on wheels.Wait a minute.. What's up with Kanaka? You mean that The Big Kahuna is a cross dressing freak? Oh well, whatever floats his boat. Well, tonight's the luau - dancing, food, music; that should be a nice change from all of this craziness......finally, true love conquers all, your heart is full ... a happy ending...no more problems, just waves and sunshine......OH NO! That crazy Bowman bitch just stabbed that exchange student, Lars! Will this madness never end?Hold on a second, she did not kill him, and, what the heck, he's not Lars, his real name is Larry, and apparently he's the real psycho, after all! That lady detective shot him and he fell to his death! AWESOME, alls well that ends well......or does it???
Here's to simpler times...