Run For Your Life!

This is one of the brilliant short films that will be on the DVD of George Romero's Diary of the Dead.

"It's Time to Leave the Electronic Store!" : Lessons Learned from Cloverfield

* Only attractive, light skinned, twenty-somethings live in the trendy parts of Manhattan.
* Never trust you friend, the cameraman, to keep a secret about whom you've slept with.
* It is really sad when you are hitting on someone who has no interest, and you are filming them at the same time ... I mean, it is pathetic ... and then there will be documentation of it!
* Coney Island is for lovers.
* The best way to get those pesky guests to leave a party is to have explosions going off in the distance.
* Yuppies will flock to the rooftop for a better vantage point if they think that a terrorist attack is occurring.
* There is only one possible response to seeing the head from the Statue of Liberty come flying through the air and land on your block; "OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!"
* The giant monster is not named, "Cloverfield". I think his name is actually, "Ogdon".
* You don't want to be on the Brooklyn Bridge when an amphibious creature is on a rampage.
* Apparently, some women can run miles in high heels, as well as climb ladders.
* Even though someone has a metal rod protruding from her side, you can pull her off said rod, dust her off, and she'll be ready to run out of a building that is caving in.
* The monster has some kind of dog sized body lice, if they bite you, you will blow up.
* Please don't walk on darkened subway tracks.
* If you drop your camera, don't run back for it.
* Speaking of cameras it seems that there is a new digital mini-cam that never runs low on battery power!
* When the atom bombs are dropping, and the world is going to hell, that's when you say, "I love you".

Horror Movie DILFS: The Langoliers

Name: Captain Brian Engle

Location: Past, present, and future.

Occupation: Jet Pilot for American Pride Airlines.

Family: Unknown (though the rest of the cast makes a sort of surrogate unit for The Captain).

Why is He a DILF?: With those broad shoulders, blue eyes and baby face; Captain Engle comes across as the ultimate father figure. Soft spoken, deceive, willing to take charge, and yet, a definite aura of sensitivity seems to emanate from him. Who would not want to sit in Captain Engle's cockpit while he steers his massive ship through the friendly skies ... as well as time portals! And then, when the badly animated Pac Men time-eaters show up, it's Captain Engle who manages a magnificent,seat-of-your-pants-escape!

Played By: David Morse

Jo and Ro: Ira's Angels

Katherine Ross as Joanna Eberhart (l) and Mia Farrow as Rosemary Woodhouse(r)

The other night, my better half and I hunkered down in the living room to watch the original version of Ira Levin's classic, The Stepford Wives. While we had both seen this film before, we both felt compelled to comment on the obvious (sort of an anti feminist/feminist view of suburbia) and the not so obvious elements of the movie. (Paul Prentiss's Bobbie was probably a lesbian, and what was up with that hot pants / suspender get up she was wearing!?!?).

Later on, we both started to realize the similarities between The Stepford Wives and Levin's other classic, Rosemary's Baby: Women in supposedly happy marriages, sold out by their husbands .

As the movie continued, it became quite clear, that The Stepford Wives is actually just a re-telling of Rosemary's Baby, but with a different plot... for instance:

Stepford Wives: A young couple moves into a desirable suburban community.
Rosemary's Baby: A young couple moves into a desirable apartment house.

SW: Some of the neighbors seem odd.
RB: Some of the neighbors seem odd.

SW: Husband starts spending a lot of time with odd ball neighbors and joins The Men's Association.
RB: Husband starts spending a lot of time with odd ball neighbors and joins a Satanic Cult.

SW: Husband becomes distant from wife.
RB: Husband becomes distant from wife.

SW: Wife starts to become suspicious of other wives in the community, thinks they might be drugged, or that something is in the water.

RB: Wife starts to become suspicious of some of the neighbors, fears they might want her unborn child for rituals.

SW: Wife begins to act crazy, making her look like she might be having a breakdown.
RB: Ditto.

SW: Turns out that wife's suspicions are correct - but she only knows part of the story!
RB: Ditto.

How's that old saying go? Just Because You're Paranoid Doesn't Mean They're Not Out to Get You!

Both Joanna Eberhart and Rosemary Woodhouse were victims of a conspiracy that they were smart enough to sort of figure out, but not smart enough to escape from.

Hmmm, so what was Ira Levin trying to tell us?

Clearly our sympathies are with these heroines, and yet I can't help but think that the similar tales are preaching some sort of message of hopelessness. That a loved one will sell you out for an acting career or to have a sex doll that keeps a neat house. Is that too deep? Or am I reading too much into this?

One thing's for sure, Joanna and Bobbie should have hightailed it out of Stepford , moved to California, and opened up a Women's Book Store ... maybe Rosemary Woodhouse could have joined them, she'd handle the occult section of the store.

Hot Suckers!

Let's face it, vampires are the hottest of all the supernatural beasts dreamt up by man. Usually descended from royalty, filled with the knowledge they have gained over the centuries, cocky over the fact that they can not be killed; what's not to love about das Vampyre?

With that in mind, here is my humble ranking of the eight hottest blood suckers from film. Enjoy, and feel free to add some of your own!

8: John Amplas as the title character in George Romero's Martin: Poor Martin, a sensitive soul from Pittsburgh who believes that he is cursed to drink blood. The fact the he does not have fangs, can walk about in the daylight, and can not turn into a bat does nothing to dissuade the boy that he's not really a vampire. A crazy uncle is no help. Amplas is both pathetic and beautiful as the troubled young man in one of Romero's best non- zombie flicks.

7: Billy Wirth as Dwayne in The Lost Boys: Though he had next to nothing to do but stand around and prove that even the undead could have a great head of hair and look like a male-model, Dwayne was my favorite vamp in this film ... sheesh, a hot vampire named "Dwayne"- who knew?

6: Gary Oldman as Count Dracula in Bram Stoker's Dracula: Not only did Oldman OWN this part, he made Drac one sexy dandy. I seriously wanted to get that suit, hat and sunglasses he sported the first time we see the Count walking the streets of London!

5: Frank Langella as Count Dracula in Dracula (1979): John Badham's sweeping, almost operatic, take on the tale of the Count was made even more enjoyable by casting Langella as the horny lead. I loved how as the movie progressed, Dracula looked less like a thousand year old demon, and more like a swinging playboy. Did you ever notice that his shirt is unbuttoned much of the time?

True Story: When I first saw this film back in the day, I was seated in front of a group of African American women who were very verbal during most of the movie. However, when Dracula has his way with Nina (Kate Nelligan), they suddenly fell silent until the scene ended and then one of them stage whispered, "Girl, he could bite me any time!"

4: Bill Paxton as the white trash vampire in Near Dark: Oh man, how fucking hot was Paxton in this movie? I love a vampire who knows how to use his spurs!

3: Brad Pitt as Louis in Interview With the Vampire: Ah, the sensitive, tortured, beautiful demon. What's not to love?

2: Salma Hayek as Santanico Pandemonium in From Dusk till Dawn: I might be a gay man, but good god, Hayek melted my butter in her brief, but brilliant moment in Robert Rodríguez's modern day vampire tale. When she puts her foot in Quentin Tarantino's mouth and pours whiskey down her leg, which he drinks, I pretty much developed a new sexual fetish that moment. Oh, and that name, Santanico Pandemonium, If I ever adopt, that's going to be what I name my daughter Santanico Pandemonium Romano.

1: Antonio Banderas as Armand in Interview With the Vampire: And finally, ain't no one, dead or alive who floats my boat as much as Banderas ... his Armand was sexual and terrifying and pretty much made me wish that I lived in the basement at the Théâtre des Vampires in Paris!

Lessons Learned from There Will Be Blood

* Daniel Day Day-Lewis's voice is reminiscent of Will Farrell's imitation of Sean Connery.
* Drilling for oil is time consuming.
* Baby's were kept in make-shift playpens designed out of suitcases back in the day.
* Drilling for oil is very dangerous.
* If you made money in the oil business, and some guy shows up claiming to be your brother, quiz him on your hometown before you take him under your wing.
* Drilling for oil is dirty work.
* A faith healer whose family you have ripped off, will humiliate you at his church, if you allow it.
* Faith healer's were as crazy back then, as they are now.
* Be good to your son, even if he's not really your son.
* The old man you've ignored for a long time has seen everything you've done.
* And finally, Never EVER, under any circumstances, talk business with a drunk oil-man while in his private bowling alley.

...ok, "I'm finished!"

Billy Loves Stu is brought to you by the Castevet Health Shake!

Happy Birthday to the Original Scream Queen

Bette Davis would have been 100 years old today, and though she is noted for her performances in Now Voyager, All About Eve, and Jezebel; Billy Loves Stu likes to recall her more sinister oeuvre:

As the deranged, Baby Jane Hudson.

Or the put-upon Charlotte in Hush Hush, Sweet Charlotte.

As the sinister Nanny, in the film of the same name.

In Scream Pretty Peggy, Scream.

As Madame Sin

As the grandmother in Burnt Offerings.

And finally, as the evil Widow Fortune in The Dark Secret of Harvest Home.

...and she fucks on the first date

In honor of April Fool's day, enjoy the first nine minutes of the film by the same name. That's Deborah Goodrich as the slutty one, Amy Steele as the shy one, and Griffin O'Neal and Tom Wilson as the deeply-in-denial gay couple of a cut-ups; and of course, the fabulous Deborah Foreman as Buffy (she with the music box), Enjoy!