Doll Parts: Lessons Learned from Dead Silence

* Ryan Kwanten, the star of Dead Silence is soooo pretty ... well, don't take my word for it, feast your eyes on a photo of him pre-Dead Silence: nuff said!

* Never leave your wife alone with a ventriloquist's dummy that has just been delivered to you anonymously.

* I've know this simple fact for years, but Dead Silence one more proves that ventriloquist's dummies are the most fucking evil things in the world!

* Donnie Wahlberg is to B-Films what Parker Posey is to Indie Films.

* Never EVER, tell a ventriloquist, "I can see your mouth moving".

* If your family was party to the murder of a crazy old ventriloquist lady, you are fucked.

* It's always a good idea to remind the viewing audience that the filmmaker was also responsible for a spate of dreadful films by featuring a prop from said dreadful films in your most recent effort.

* Young, pretty, step-mother's are, of course, evil.

* If a ventriloquist dummy is the most fucking evil thing in the world, then a clown dummy is the most fucking evil thing in the universe!

*Your father has not had a stroke, he's just a puppet.

* Take heed the old nursery rhyme of your childhood:"Beware the stare of Mary Shaw. She had no children only dolls. And if you see her in your dreams, do not ever, ever scream."


Let's All Chant

Two minutes and seven seconds of The Greatest, High Camp, High Fashion, Low Brow Slasher film EVER MADE!!!


The Men of Haddonfield Illinois

Haddonfield Illinois is so well known for it's most infamous resident, Michael Audrey Meyers, that one wonders about the other sons of this mid-western town.

Wonder no longer; presented for your approval:

The Men of Haddonfield:

This corn-fed son of the Prairie State, who here so proudly flashes his abs of steel, was the boyfriend of the late, Judith Margret Myers. Playful, quick and energetic, this never-named- young-man, quickly brushed off the death of his beloved in 1963 and found fame and fortune as a physique model for Bruce of Los Angeles and later for the Athletic Model Guild.
Don Strode, owner of Haddonfield's premiere real estate company, Strode Reality; Besides being the adoptive father of Laurie, Mr. Strode was a known man about town, and was rumored to be "hung like a horse". Before the tragic occurrences in his hometown, Mr. Strode and his wife hosted key-parties with other Haddonfield couples including The Wallace's and The Doyle's. Most of Haddonfield's desperate housewives (and a few of the husbands) were said to be infatuated with the well hung realtor.
While not an actual resident of Haddofield, Dr. Terrance Wynn, head of Smith's Grove Sanatorium was a known player at some of Haddonfield's hot spots, including The Rabbit in Red Lounge.
While not named, this cute red-head classmate of Laurie's is probably the boy friend of Laurie's nympho pal, Annie. "Oh Paul, we can no longer stall"; yeah we'd all be singing that song as we headed out for a late night date with "old jerko" as Annie called him.
And what about this poor guy? I guess this would be Mister Phelps, owner of Phelps Garage just outside of town. Damn, he was Michael's first victim that Halloween, and nobody remembers the shlub. Well, Mr. Phelps, we remember ... and yes, Michael took his clothes and wore his jump suit for, like, forever!

Could it be? Could this be Laurie's beloved, Ben Tramer? We're not sure, but his hot hair cut, and purposeful stride seems about right. Ben, it's a good thing you never fucked our Laurie, or she'd never have become the original final girl! What a shame he get's toasted in part II!

Sheriff Bracket: Haddonfield's top dawg and father of the promiscuous, drug using, doomed, Annie. Word around town is that Bracket's mutton chops made the lady's knees go weak!

Lest we forget the care-taker of Haddonfield's cemetery. More than likely the town drunk, He was rumored to have had long going affair with the head clerk of Haddonfield Memorial Library.

Woah! Who's the hot cop back there making time with the skirt? We don't know either, but we think he's a big fan of Adam-12 or CHIPS.

Bob! We so totally dig Bob, totally! Don't let those Pondexter specs fool ya, Bob is a sex machine and he knows how to keep his goofy girl friend, Linda happy. If only she did not want a damn beer, Bob would still be boning his way through the gals of Haddonfield.

Oh Mister Sandman, Bring me a Dream....


Where Have You Gone, Elvira Stitt?

The Hudson Sister's House Keeper Had It Going On!
She tried to take care of Miss Blanche ... ... even though the kitchen was often a royal mess ...

... and then of course, dealing with that bat-shit-crazy Miss Jane was tough.
But Elvira was tough herself, and she was one of the few people who would not suffer a fool like Miss Jane.

Where Have You Gone, Elvira Stitt?


Public Service Announcement

In Case of a Zombie Breakout ...
Whatever you do...
Under No Circumstances ...
Take the Elevator!


Where Have You Gone, Glen Lantz?

Nancy's boyfriend had it going on...

...wearing those tight pants of his...

... he'd climb the rose trellis just to be with the one he loved...

... sure he could be a little goofy, but that's what made him so endearing...

... of course like all teenage boys, he always had one thing on his mind ...

... oh, and how he rocked that hair-do and those little half shirts that exposed his taught belly ...

Where have you gone, Glen Lantz?


Where Have you Gone, Mrs. Thompson?

Nancy's Mom has got it going on.
A healthy breakfast always starts with a shot of gin.
Where have you gone, Mrs. Thompson?