No Country for Bad Haircuts

Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men is one scary mother-fucker.

Gone is the Javier of the past, the playful, sexy Hispanic hunk; and in his place is the psychopathic, single minded killer with a pneumatic air gun that he uses to plug holes into doors, cars and people's heads.

Forget your Jason Voorhees, your Michael Myers, your man-eating-great-white-sharks; Anton Chigurh is the new face of terror; an unstoppable killing machine with almost no sense of what is right and wrong (well, ok, in his mind, I am sure that his actions make sense).

Of course, while watching the film, It dawned on me that the problem with Anton was his hair cut! The poor guy has one of those Dorthy Hamill wedge cuts, I mean that might piss anyone off and set them on the road to sociopathic madness.

Would that I ever ran into him, I'd lead him to the closest hair salon and have them work their magic on him. Once he looked into a mirror and saw a less drastic style on his head, he'd drop the air gun, smile, and be on his merry way.

Yup, this ain't no country for bad haircuts!


Lessons Learned from The Mist

* Thomas Jane has nice arms.
* A Supermarket is not the best place to hole up in when large beasties are roaming the landscape.
* A drugstore is an even worse place.
* Marcia Gay Harden deserved an Oscar.
* When someone says, "There's something in the mist!" - Then, by golly there IS something in the mist.
* Giant octopi do not like the taste of dry dog food.
* Rednecks from Maine are basically just pussies when push comes to shove.
* New York Lawyers are bound by logic, therefore they will perish.
* Religious fanatics are bound by superstition, therefore they will perish.
* The military will doom us all.
* But ultimately, the military will save everyone.
* This has got to be one of the best horror films made in a very long time.


Grande Dame Guignol: Strait-Jacket

Name: Lucy Harbin, convicted ax murderess and former mental patient.

Location: A poultry farm somewhere in Southern California.

Modus Operandi: Chopped off her cheating husband's head as well as the one of his tramp girlfriend ... can go from dowdy to slutty in the blink of an eye ... favors loud jazz renditions of "There Goes that Song Again" as well as jangly bracelets ... will strike a match on a phonograph record to light her cigarette ... prone to histrionics especially when locked in a bathroom ... poor mothering skills ... believes that a poorly fit wig, a tight dress and a lot of makeup will make her look like a twenty year old again ... can toss an axe as well as a knitting needle with almost supernatural dexterity ... breaks down at the sight of a chicken having it's head looped off.

Camp Factor: Over the top! Joan shot through a haze of a Vaseline because she was almost 60 when this film was made, and the first time we see her, she is supposed to only be in her early 30's. Children's voices chanting a bastardized version of the Lizzie Borden nursery rhyme. Joan dancing like a floozy while trying to seduce her daughter's boyfriend. Joan screaming at the top of her lungs, "MICHAEL AND CAROL WILL MARRY!!!!" or "BIIIILLLLLL!!!!!" or "LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!"

Played By: Joan Crawford


What Becomes a Legend Most?

First things first: I avoided I am Legend as long as I could. Inasmuch as my local video store was stocked to the gills with this release, I decided to give the disk a spin and see what all the hubbub was about.

Make no mistake, this recent adaptation of Richard Matheson's novella of the same name, tweaks the basic story and its premise to such a degree that basically what we've got here is a combination of Dawn of the Dead (2004) meets 28 Days Later. Gone are the human-like blood suckers that taunt the hero all night by calling out his name and throwing rocks at his door; and in their place are CGI beasties who can leap tall buildings in a single bound and run faster than Flo Jo during the 1988 Olympics.

Gone also is the Southern California suburban setting, replaced this time with New York City(props to the special effects folks for turning Gotham into a wasteland over run with deer and packs of lions).

Of course, the star of this film is Mr. Will Smith. The former Fresh Prince, actually delivers a fantastic performance as a driven, slightly mad, scientist who is trying to contact survivors, find a cure for the disease that has turned most of mankind into horror movie monsters, and keep some semblance of a normal life (mad props to whomever decided to show Will working out shirtless in a glorious close up - yowza!). Yup, Smith turns in a great performance that, for the most part, is a series of acting against special effects, mannequins, and a German shepherd.

About that pooch; Sam, short for Samantha (played by Abby, and Kona - as the young Sam) is Smith's best friend, confidant, roommate and traveling companion. Damn, but this bitch (female dog, nothing derogatory meant) all but steals every scene she is in. On more than one occasion, it seems that she might rip the movie right from Smith's hands and run off with it.

Unfortunately, after the first hour or so of I am Legend, when the super vampire things show up, the movie kind of falls apart. What should be a series of gut-punches turns into a poorly executed collection of computer animated cartoon characters that, for me at least, ruined everything.

For fans of the original work the disappointments might be, well, legendary; the vampire trappings are mostly gone. With the exception of sunlight, these creatures don't seem affected by holy water, garlic and crucifixes. Furthermore, while a handful of them seem to have some sort of intelligence, for the most part they just charge and growl in packs. Furthermore, when you get to the end of the film, one discovers that the very title of the story has been bastardized to meet the screen-writer's goal.

Is it worth the rental fee? Sure. Like I said, the first hour is pretty good, almost perfect in fact. And Will Smith proves himself to be a good actor (something a lot of us have forgot - how long has it been since Six Degrees of Separation?) But make no mistake about it. If you are at all familiar with the source work, you'll find I am Legend has pretty much gone to the dogs.


Why Don't Pimps Commit Suicide? : Questions I asked myself while watching 'Southland Tales'

* Why can't Dwayne be shirtless throughout this film?
* Hey, was that Eli Roth being shot while in the bathroom?
* What's that little woman from Poltergeist doing here?
* Hey, when did this become Mulholland Drive?
* What the fuck is up with Dwayne and his fingers?
* A rift in the space time continuum? When did this become Donnie Darko?
* Are you sure David Lynch didn't direct this?
* Rebekah Del Rio ? Are you absolutely sure this is not Mulholland Drive?
* Is it me, or is Justin Timberlake a really a bad actor?
* The building is on fire? Hey, when did this become The Towering Inferno?
* Can I turn this off and watch Kiss Me Deadly instead?
* Cheri O'Teri? Amy Poehler? Jon Lovitz? Nora Dunn? When did this become SNL?
* A floating ice cream truck? Hey, when did this become Repo Man?
* Why is Sean William Scott's hand glowing? Is this an homage to ET?
* Why isn't Sean William Scott shirtless?
* Why is Miranda Richardson dressed like an extra from The Rocky Horror Picture Show?
* Did I just see a computer animation of two SUV's engaging in sex?
* Wow, the Rock and Buffy are busting a move, is this an homage to Dirty Dancing?
* Is Richard Kelly a genius or a self referencing hack?


Ruth Gordon has Risen from the Grave!

Edgartown, Massachusetts: Authorities have reported that the reanimated corpse of Academy Award winning actress, Ruth Gordon was seen wandering the streets of this sleepy town. "Miss Gordon died here in 1985 and was interred in the local cemetery per her wishes", said Edgartown police chief, William Samuels.

According to Chief Samuels, Gordon's zombie was first seen hobbling down Main Street. "She was not much but bones, a bad wig and her burial dress, but that old girl was moving with a purpose!"

Shortly after being sighted, it was then reported that Gordon's zombie was next seen on an Amtrak train that was headed for Los Angeles. Passengers on the same train all agreed that while she was indeed "living dead", Miss Gordon was purportedly pleasant and did not bother anyone.

"I am pretty sure she is heading back to Hollywood to kill anyone involved with the reported remake of Rosemary's Baby", said an Amtrak employee who wished to remain anonymous, "I think Michael Bay better go into hiding, because something tells me that she's going to tear his balls off when she finds him!"

In similar news, it was recently reported that the reanimated corpses of Patsy Kelly, Maurice Evans and Phil Leeds were also seen near the offices of Bay's production company, Platinum Dunes...


Lessons Learned from 30 Days of Night

* Josh Hartnett sure is purdy, but he still can't act.
* Barrow Alaska is populated by some seriously handsome bearded men.
* Most of Barrrow's population leaves before the 30 days of no sun occur (around November 19th).
* Oddly enough, Barrow has little or no Native Americans living there.
* A Vampire's human henchman is capable of killing every dog in a small town as well as wrecking helicopters and stealing and destroying as many cell phones as possible.
* Vampire's that frequent Alaska, while natty dressers, are messy eaters.
* Said vampires sort of act like the "rage infested" Londoners in 28 Days Later.
* It seems that Barrow has no Catholic churches, hence no one got to use that old vampire yield-signal, a crucifix.
* A vampire's fingernail can be used to play phonograph records.
* U.V. grow-lights can be used to quell an attacking blood-sucker.
* Apparently these Vampires like to play with their food.
* All Vampires speak in a language that must be decoded via subtitles - with the exception of little girl vampires, who speak perfect English.
* To kill the vampire, one must become the vampire.
* A good right hook, is as effective as a stake through the heart.


Grande Dame Guignol: What's The Matter With Helen?


Adelle Bruckner. Mother of a sociopath son. Changed her name, moved to Hollywood, and now runs a dance academy for Shirley Temple wannabes.

Helen Hill. Mother of other sociopath son. Changed her name, moved to Hollywood, and now plays piano at a dance academy for Shirley Temple wannabes.

Sister Alma. Pentecostal preacher with a huge following in Hollywood.

Location: Hollywood California, circa 1935

Modus Operandi:

Happy-go-lucky, in denial over her son's bloody past, great dancer, smiles a lot, bit of a slut - but definitely the more balanced of the two women.

Helen: Great piano player, overcome with guilt and remorse over her son's bloody past, prone to screaming at the drop of a hat, kills fluffy bunny rabbits, listens to religious radio shows, kills an innocent guy that she thinks is stalking her, ends up killing Adelle and then goes off the deep end.

Sister Alma: A sort of Aimee Semple McPherson type, makes a lot of money and has no time for crazy women who have break-downs at her services.

Camp Factor: Considering that Helen and Adelle's sons are based on those famous gay killers of yore, Leopold and Loeb, What's The Matter with Helen is pure camp from the get go! When the gals set up shop in Hollywood and all the little Baby Jane's start showing up, things get even more campy - and when Shelly's Helen starts loosing it and begins to chew up the scenery, well welcome to camp heaven kids! Add Sister Alma to the mix with her over-the-top proclamations of salvation and you have some real icing on this gay horror film. And hold out for the final scene, a fucking brilliant moment in which Adelle's paramour (played by Dennis Weaver) discovers exactly What's the matter with Helen!

Played By:

Adelle: Debbie Reynolds
Helen: Shelly Winters
Sister Alma: Agnes Moorehead


He ain't fraid of no ghosts

Psychic investigator, plumber, Mormon - Grant Wilson is the co-star of the ScFi network's Ghost Hunters and co-founder of The Atlantic Paranormal Society (TAPS).

Uh huh, love that show. And I love me some Grant Wilson...

What can I say, I'm feeling superficial and spectral this evening.


Horror Movie DILFs : Poltergeist

Name: Steve Freeling

Location: Cuesta Verde, California

Occupation: Real Estate agent.

Family: Wife (Diane) Daughters (Dana and Carole Anne) Son (Robbie). Dog (Ebuzz).

Why Is He a DILF?: Though he may very well have morphed into a Regan supporter in later years (early in the film, we see him reading The Gipper's biography), Steve Freeling is a pot smoking, fun loving guy who likes to talk dirty to his wife in a Donald Duck voice. It seems obvious that he knocked up Diane when they were both teens (as is witnessed by the Freeling's eldest daughter, herself a teen). It seems that Steve was probably a wild boy in his day. The Steve we know is the responsible, hardworking, caring father and husband. Men like Steve Freeling are sexy for several reasons, not only are they great guys, but they also can bring home the bacon...and of course when the ghosts take over the Freeling's suburban tract house and kidnap his youngest daughter, he's up for the fight - even if it means putting his faith in a pint sized psychic, watching his wife get sucked into a portal of hell, and telling his boss to fuck off!

Played by: Craig T. Nelson